Hello, friends. How are you? We are deep in a season of grief at my house. My mother-in-law, Donna, died last week. She was diagnosed with an aggressive form of uterine cancer several years ago, and sadly, this summer, she had a recurrence and despite only being diagnosed in August, she died this week. I wrote a little bit about her here and here. I’m grateful I got to know her, and also grateful that I got to be there at the end.
Her death came on the heels of the election and in the middle of pundits yelling and every other post in my social media threads warning me that the end was nigh. For my small family, it felt like we were living on a totally different planet, mired in the day-to-day realities of watching someone die while the world spun madly on. Death is the ultimate reminder of how little control we have over anything.
My wife was down in Southern California for two months caring for her mom while I held down the fort at home — including welcoming my mother-in-law’s dog into our family. Our friends, family, and neighbors were incredible: they kept us fed, helped with dog care, checked in on us, and sent thoughtful gifts and flowers and cards.
The thing I found most heartening were the people outside of our day-to-day lives — the strangers. The hospice team that cared for my mother-in-law (hospice workers are angels, I’m sure of it) were so unbelievably kind. The residents of the apartment community where my mother-in-law was living stopped us in the halls to hug us and wish us well and ask how they could help. We grew very fond of a particular AirBNB, and the owner did the small-but-big things: stocked the fridge with snacks, waived cleaning fees, and left a beautiful flower arrangement for us the day we left, offering their condolences and wishing us well.
There were a million tiny kindnesses extended by people we didn’t know and in a time that was so harsh and sad, it means everything.
This experience has reminded me that I can’t always control the big things — but I can bring my best to the little things. It’s reminded me that love and empathy are still possible and that they matter. I know without a doubt that I don’t agree with the politics of many of the people who have shown us care over the past few months; however, I have been reminded that when you’re offering care and sharing in someone’s pain, many of those things fall away, no matter what the people on TV or the Internet yell at me about.
I won’t be inviting anyone who doesn’t believe in my basic dignity to my home, and I’m not suggesting that you do, either. But I have found that every time I’m willing to listen to someone’s point of view, offer warmth when it would be easier to be cold, or take a breath before responding, life feels a little easier. I’m able to connect to the goodness that does exist in people instead of living in a world that feeds off of my despair.
I hope you’re able to find ways to be kind to yourself and others as we move through this holiday season. You’re doing great, I just know it.
• There’s always are you a Carrie or a Miranda quizzes (obviously, I’m a Magda) but are you an Aristotle or a Plato? (TIME)
• When life feels chaotic, less is more. This is the move during these busy times. (Time)
• It’s time for the most heartwarming fundraiser of the year: Transanta! (Transanta)
• I am really into miso-tahini-sweet desserts, and this skillet cookie fits the bill. (Joy The Baker)
• David Foster Wallace: “This Is Water.” A great read I always come back to. (Farnam Street Blog)
• My best friend randomly got us tickets to go see Maggie Rogers a few weeks ago. I’ve been a fan for years, but hadn’t seen her live. Let me just say that if you ever get the chance, GO. In the mean time, I loved this interview with her and this video of Pharrell reacting to her song “Alaska” is one of my favorite things to watch as an artist. (The New Yorker, YouTube)
• Loved this piece on how one woman reads so much (I’m blown away), books that changed Leslie Stephens’ of Morning Person’s life, and Time’s 100 Must-Read Books of 2024. (Substack, TIME)
• How much information is TMI? The power of disclosure on friendship. (Substack)
• A hospital in Scotland has hired a professional gamer to play with children who are sick. Get the tissues before you watch this one. (BBC)
• If we are friends in real life, and you ever come access me wearing these Vuori Boyfriend Joggers, I will demand that you pet my thigh to feel how soft they are. If you need some softness this holiday season, get these. Just trust me. No pets required. (Vuori)
• How Americans can tackle political division together and why it’s important for Americans with different beliefs to talk to each other. (TIME and NYT Gift Link)
• While I am mostly opting out of Thanksgiving this year, I do plan to make this delicious Pumpkin Tarte A La Bouillie. A sugar cookie crust with a pumpkin custard? Say less. (Joy The Baker)
• Why walking helps us think. (The New Yorker)
• A course to help you tackle your fear of flying? Amazing. I need them to make one for vomit phobias (a real thing I have). (NYT Gift Link, The Skill Collective)
• Two takes on the election I really appreciated: every day is all there is and shame does not a movement make. (Substack)
• I love a coffee cake and this orange soufflé number sounds heavenly. (Food and Wine)
• I want this book about artists’ homes so badly. I love a good coffee table book, and this one is pure escapist pleasure. (W Magazine)
• I definitely have a bunch of bananas rotting on my counter, and some strawberries that need to be used up so I’ll be whipping up a batch of this strawberry banana bread. (Joy The Baker)
• I’m ready to throw this year directly into the garbage, so I’m already thinking about New Years goals. I love this Ten Year Plan idea. (Your Ten Year Plan)
• I personally love a good round-up, but this article about the banality of online recommendation culture was an interesting read. (The New Yorker)
